Because life without labels would be too confusing...

Wow, how did someone find a picture from my own childhood??

When children are labeled from birth with the religion of their parents, they don't stand much of a chance to develop their own religious and world views. I wonder what would have happened if this same kid was born in Iran... Still Jewish? Doubtful.

Quote of the day

There is a daily prayer said by Orthodox Jewish men called "shelo asani isha". This translates into the following:

"Blessed are you, oh lord our god, king of the universe, who has not made me a woman."

The prayer also includes two other parts in which the men thank god for not creating them as slaves or gentiles.

I looked into this a little bit to see how Orthodox Jews could possibly justify something so blatantly offensive, and the result was a little disappointing, albeit completely unsurprising. The fact is, religion doesn't need to offer justification. Orthodox Jews don't care if they are offending your modern sensibilities because they are not trying to assimilate into modern society. Quite the contrary - they are resisting it with full force. Reform Judaism is the only sect that tries to pretend that men and women are equal under its tenants. But when you pick and choose what part of your religion to follow just so that some people will feel more welcome, the credibility of your faith begins to erode. In a strange way, I do at least have some respect for the Orthodox Jews who don't try to water down their beliefs just to move with the times. Still, this minute respect is massively overshadowed by how disgusted I am by any religion that remains completely unapologetic for its active misogyny.

Breaking the news

I've been gently hinting to my parents that I am an atheist for years, but I don't think they ever really listened or took me seriously. I honestly can't remember a time when I ever believed in god anyway, although I didn't find out about atheism until sometime in high school. Recently, I have decided to become more vocal about my criticisms of religion. Because my parents are very important to me, I wanted to share my views and have what I hoped would be productive and intelligent discussions about it. Wishful thinking?

My mother in particular is quite an interesting character. I have nothing but love for her and I have respected her choices for as long as I've lived under her roof. Still, she is about as close to being a typical Jewish mother as is humanly possible (coming by it honestly from my typical Jewish grandmother) and our recent conversations about what she calls my "life choices" have left me nothing short of distressed.

The following is an abridged compilation of some the finer moments I've had to experience in breaking the news to my parents that I am serious about being an atheist. Please enjoy.

MOM: Who will we invite to your wedding?

(I currently have no plans to get married. I'm not even engaged. But I'm 24 and therefore need to get going!)

ME: I have no idea. I'm not even engaged.

MOM: Do you think it will be at our shul or at your boyfriend's shul.

ME: I definitely won't be getting married in a shul because I'm an atheist, remember? No shul, no chuppah, and no rabbi.

(stunned silence)

MOM: No RABBI?????? What kind of Jewish girl gets married with no rabbi?

ME: Mom, I'm an atheist. Why would stand there and have a rabbi tell me that my marriage is blessed by god when I don't believe in god. I don't want to feel like a hypocrite on my own wedding day.

DAD: You know that if you don't get married by a rabbi, we will not be paying for your wedding. You'll just have to figure it out on your own.

(Ouch, dad.)

ME: What? I feel like I just told you I'm a lesbian and you said you'll only pay for me to have a straight wedding.

MOM: No, honey. I'd have no problem accepting you if you were a lesbian because that's not something you choose, it's just part of who you are.

ME: Did you choose not to believe in the tooth fairy? I can't choose to turn off my rational brain. Atheism is not a choice for me, it is part of who I am. I've read a lot about this and I know ---

MOM: Aha! So you think just because you've read some books you know what's what?

ME: Umm... your entire belief system is based on a book. At least I know who wrote the books that I've been reading. Plus, I don't know why you're so shocked by all this. I've been telling you I'm an atheist for as long as I can remember.

DAD: You didn't seem to mind when we were throwing you a big bat mitzvah.

ME: I was thirteen! All my friends were having them! I would take it back now if I could just to avoid this argument!

MOM: I just can't believe this. A Jewish girl that doesn't want to be married by a rabbi. I've just never seen it before. How will you raise your kids? You know once you have kids you'll change your mind. You just haven't experienced life yet so you don't know what you really believe. Things change when life changes. There are no atheists in foxholes. You'll see.

ME: I hate that expression. You're saying that faith is just an involuntary reaction to extreme fear. So is peeing in your pants. Both are uncomfortable and completely undignified. And no, I won't change my mind. Please don't patronize me by acting like I'm just going through a phase. This is not an act of rebellion. Why is this even such a big deal?! I just don't believe in god. You already know this about me.

(Dad has already walked away by this point)

MOM: Honey, I love you. But you can't just throw this kind of news at me and expect me to be thrilled about it. Not married by a rabbi? Not bringing up your kids Jewish? How did we raise you? I've just never heard of such a thing. It's hard for us to accept.

ME: I just can't talk to you about this. You don't understand. Forget it.

(By now I am in tears and a state of extreme frustration)

So there you have it. Trying to tell my parents that I am serious about atheism has not turned out the way I'd hoped. What I've learned is that it's going to be a slow process that may never come to any sort of agreeable conclusion. Because we live in a fairly secular household, I know that so much of their concern comes from fear of change and breaking with tradition rather than lamenting my lack of faith in god. I'm sure they're worried what people might think if their daughter isn't married by rabbi in a synagogue. But my parents' desire never to rock the boat is not enough to change the fact that my religious ship sailed long ago. Atheists can't make compromises just so religious people will feel more comfortable. Religion doesn't deserve that kind of special treatment.

Can you be an atheist and still be Jewish?

Part of what has made my "coming out" process so complicated is deciding how much of my religion's cultural overtones I can hang on to without being a hypocrite. Naturally, it may seem as though atheism and Judaism are two points of acute contradiction, and of course, they are in nearly every sense. I do not believe in god and I categorically reject organized religion. Still, I identify myself as Jewish - at least to an extent. Confused? So is my mother.

Let me explain. There is something inescapable about the culture associated with this particular religion. While I can only speak from my experience as a Jewish woman, I don't doubt that other religions can claim their own cultural connections as well. Jews are often referred to as being a race of people in a way that doesn't necessarily apply to people of other faiths. While I definitely cringe at the word "race", my own experience does point to a strong set of mores, traditions and even personality traits shared by Jews that go way beyond religion.

Please forgive my gross overgeneralizations; while I don't presume to speak for all Jews, I'm just going to write as if I do. When you're born into a Jewish family, you begin to participate in a kind of shared experience that automatically gives you something in common with every other Jew on the planet (so to speak). The big dinners complete with bubbie's chicken soup. The enthusiastic "Mazel tov!" upon hearing any piece of good news. The nagging questions about why you're single and when you're getting married, plus countless unappealing offers to be set up with "my friend's grandson - a doctor!" The automatic sensitivity over historical marginalization, the Holocaust, and the state of Israel. The (infuriating) assumption that you will marry a Jew.

There is no doubt that Jews stick together; we are exclusive to a fault. One thing that I do appreciate about this members-only approach is that it is one of the few religions that does not attempt to proselytize. Unlike Christianity and Islam, Jews do not try to convert the masses just for the sake of making our numbers more impressive. Instead, Jews prefer to band together and stay that way. I'm pretty confident that this strange bond and resistance to outsiders reaffirms my theory that Judaism is more of a cultural identity than a religious one. Others aren't welcome because even if they go to synagogue on the right days and say all the right prayers, they still won't possess that ineffable quality that makes someone a Jew.

Unless you try to marry a non-Jew. Then he/she had better convert. ASAP.

In any case, whether you're Jewish or any other religion under the sun, it is very difficult to remove yourself completely from the influences of your upbringing. When I decided to tell my family about being an atheist, they were very afraid that by not believing in god I was also rejecting the values and traditions instilled in me. Is it possible to separate these things from a purely religious context? Can I be culturally Jewish but religiously atheist without undermining my core beliefs? Do I even want to hold on to the cultural ties that are born out of principles to which I am vehemently opposed? Most importantly, I am trying to figure out how to live my atheist life without alienating myself from friends and family... even if they do believe in god.