Work it out

There are a lot of people out there who are closet atheists. I think there is an even bigger population of people who might consider themselves moderately religious just because it's what they're used to, or who are merely ambivalent about religion, but who, if forced to really consider their beliefs, would concede that they had, in fact, been atheists all along. So, why are so many people content to remain in the closet, on the fence, or in any other undesirable state of indecision? Thanks to people like Richard Dawkins and Christopher Hitchens, there has been a widespread movement to embrace atheism as something of which to be proud. Still, I think that one thing hindering many people's desire to "come out" is the fact that our present society is not built to be atheist-friendly. There are many examples of present institutions that, at the very least, don't even recognize atheism as a viable option, and at the very most, actively work to promote religious influence. In almost all cases, atheism is still seen as a bad word, carrying with it connotations of immorality and anarchical tendencies.

With all this in mind, my question is this: Is it acceptable to be open about atheism in the workplace, and if so, how can one approach this topic in a way that will keep shit from hitting the office fan?

I am a teacher and I work in a school with impressionable children. What I say will (I hope) have an effect on them. It is therefore my responsibility as an educator to be mindful of the language I use and the messages I impart. Technically, I know that religion should not come up at all in school (at least one that claims to be non-denominational); however, the reality is a little less cut and dry. Once, when I was a student teacher at a public school whose population was overwhelmingly Catholic, a student in my class asked me something about church and I responded by saying I was Jewish. The class was shocked and proceeded not only to tell me that I was the first Jew they had ever met (unlikely), but to ask me wildly inappropriate questions such as, "Does that mean that if I throw money on the ground, you'll pick it up?" Needless to say I was taken aback by their brazen ignorance and we had to have a discussion about stereotypes.

When I think back on this incident now, I have to contemplate why I told them I was Jewish and not atheist. The fact is, saying I was an atheist never even crossed my mind. It would have seemed completely wrong to mention atheism in the classroom. Even now, several years later and much more adamant about my distaste for religion, I feel comfortable telling students or other teachers that I'm Jewish (if they ask me, which they always seem to - why do they even care?), but I always steer clear of the a-word. Perhaps it is my fear of angry phone calls from parents demanding to know why I am attempting to corrupt their children. In any case, I don't think I am alone in keeping atheism quiet at work. All my friends and family know this is an important part of my life and of my identity, but at work it is still a secret. There are plenty of times when I've had occasion to bring it up. Everyone at work knows I'm Jewish and that isn't a big deal in the least (although I still received a surprising number of Christmas cards this season). I've never tried to push Judaism on any students and I certainly wouldn't try to convince them to be atheists. I don't know why I have this unshakeable fear that I might get in trouble if I'm open about my beliefs at work. While I feel a kind of responsibility in letting students know that there are other options out there besides believing in god, which is something that was never done for me, I'm afraid that the word "atheist" on its own is enough to get people up in arms. Language is a very powerful thing, and we need to find a way to give this particular word its fair place, even in the workplace.

Breaking the news

I've been gently hinting to my parents that I am an atheist for years, but I don't think they ever really listened or took me seriously. I honestly can't remember a time when I ever believed in god anyway, although I didn't find out about atheism until sometime in high school. Recently, I have decided to become more vocal about my criticisms of religion. Because my parents are very important to me, I wanted to share my views and have what I hoped would be productive and intelligent discussions about it. Wishful thinking?

My mother in particular is quite an interesting character. I have nothing but love for her and I have respected her choices for as long as I've lived under her roof. Still, she is about as close to being a typical Jewish mother as is humanly possible (coming by it honestly from my typical Jewish grandmother) and our recent conversations about what she calls my "life choices" have left me nothing short of distressed.

The following is an abridged compilation of some the finer moments I've had to experience in breaking the news to my parents that I am serious about being an atheist. Please enjoy.

MOM: Who will we invite to your wedding?

(I currently have no plans to get married. I'm not even engaged. But I'm 24 and therefore need to get going!)

ME: I have no idea. I'm not even engaged.

MOM: Do you think it will be at our shul or at your boyfriend's shul.

ME: I definitely won't be getting married in a shul because I'm an atheist, remember? No shul, no chuppah, and no rabbi.

(stunned silence)

MOM: No RABBI?????? What kind of Jewish girl gets married with no rabbi?

ME: Mom, I'm an atheist. Why would stand there and have a rabbi tell me that my marriage is blessed by god when I don't believe in god. I don't want to feel like a hypocrite on my own wedding day.

DAD: You know that if you don't get married by a rabbi, we will not be paying for your wedding. You'll just have to figure it out on your own.

(Ouch, dad.)

ME: What? I feel like I just told you I'm a lesbian and you said you'll only pay for me to have a straight wedding.

MOM: No, honey. I'd have no problem accepting you if you were a lesbian because that's not something you choose, it's just part of who you are.

ME: Did you choose not to believe in the tooth fairy? I can't choose to turn off my rational brain. Atheism is not a choice for me, it is part of who I am. I've read a lot about this and I know ---

MOM: Aha! So you think just because you've read some books you know what's what?

ME: Umm... your entire belief system is based on a book. At least I know who wrote the books that I've been reading. Plus, I don't know why you're so shocked by all this. I've been telling you I'm an atheist for as long as I can remember.

DAD: You didn't seem to mind when we were throwing you a big bat mitzvah.

ME: I was thirteen! All my friends were having them! I would take it back now if I could just to avoid this argument!

MOM: I just can't believe this. A Jewish girl that doesn't want to be married by a rabbi. I've just never seen it before. How will you raise your kids? You know once you have kids you'll change your mind. You just haven't experienced life yet so you don't know what you really believe. Things change when life changes. There are no atheists in foxholes. You'll see.

ME: I hate that expression. You're saying that faith is just an involuntary reaction to extreme fear. So is peeing in your pants. Both are uncomfortable and completely undignified. And no, I won't change my mind. Please don't patronize me by acting like I'm just going through a phase. This is not an act of rebellion. Why is this even such a big deal?! I just don't believe in god. You already know this about me.

(Dad has already walked away by this point)

MOM: Honey, I love you. But you can't just throw this kind of news at me and expect me to be thrilled about it. Not married by a rabbi? Not bringing up your kids Jewish? How did we raise you? I've just never heard of such a thing. It's hard for us to accept.

ME: I just can't talk to you about this. You don't understand. Forget it.

(By now I am in tears and a state of extreme frustration)

So there you have it. Trying to tell my parents that I am serious about atheism has not turned out the way I'd hoped. What I've learned is that it's going to be a slow process that may never come to any sort of agreeable conclusion. Because we live in a fairly secular household, I know that so much of their concern comes from fear of change and breaking with tradition rather than lamenting my lack of faith in god. I'm sure they're worried what people might think if their daughter isn't married by rabbi in a synagogue. But my parents' desire never to rock the boat is not enough to change the fact that my religious ship sailed long ago. Atheists can't make compromises just so religious people will feel more comfortable. Religion doesn't deserve that kind of special treatment.

Everybody's doing it!

Coming out as an atheist can be a scary, stigmatizing and sensitive experience. Part of what makes it difficult is the lack of understanding that many people have about atheism. Sometimes it seems as though it would be a lot easier if you could just believe in god like everybody else rather than try to swim against the current. Luckily, there are some brilliant people helping to bring atheism into the public consciousness and create a community in which atheists can share their voices.

The scarlet A is the symbol of The Out Campaign, started by Prof. Richard Dawkins. Dawkins is a scientist, author, champion of Darwinian theory and very public proponent of atheism. If you ever need a push to reaffirm your atheist leanings, just read "The God Delusion" or watch "The Root of All Evil?" on YouTube. This is a man who can articulate what most atheists are thinking with alarming precision. By posting the scarlet A, Coming Out of the Covenant will appear on his blogroll! Make sure you visit richarddawkins.net and join the Out Campaign.

Do not feel like you are alone in this process. Coming out is hard, so share your experience to help others. Stand up for reason, science, and logic against unquestioning superstition!

Can you be an atheist and still be Jewish?

Part of what has made my "coming out" process so complicated is deciding how much of my religion's cultural overtones I can hang on to without being a hypocrite. Naturally, it may seem as though atheism and Judaism are two points of acute contradiction, and of course, they are in nearly every sense. I do not believe in god and I categorically reject organized religion. Still, I identify myself as Jewish - at least to an extent. Confused? So is my mother.

Let me explain. There is something inescapable about the culture associated with this particular religion. While I can only speak from my experience as a Jewish woman, I don't doubt that other religions can claim their own cultural connections as well. Jews are often referred to as being a race of people in a way that doesn't necessarily apply to people of other faiths. While I definitely cringe at the word "race", my own experience does point to a strong set of mores, traditions and even personality traits shared by Jews that go way beyond religion.

Please forgive my gross overgeneralizations; while I don't presume to speak for all Jews, I'm just going to write as if I do. When you're born into a Jewish family, you begin to participate in a kind of shared experience that automatically gives you something in common with every other Jew on the planet (so to speak). The big dinners complete with bubbie's chicken soup. The enthusiastic "Mazel tov!" upon hearing any piece of good news. The nagging questions about why you're single and when you're getting married, plus countless unappealing offers to be set up with "my friend's grandson - a doctor!" The automatic sensitivity over historical marginalization, the Holocaust, and the state of Israel. The (infuriating) assumption that you will marry a Jew.

There is no doubt that Jews stick together; we are exclusive to a fault. One thing that I do appreciate about this members-only approach is that it is one of the few religions that does not attempt to proselytize. Unlike Christianity and Islam, Jews do not try to convert the masses just for the sake of making our numbers more impressive. Instead, Jews prefer to band together and stay that way. I'm pretty confident that this strange bond and resistance to outsiders reaffirms my theory that Judaism is more of a cultural identity than a religious one. Others aren't welcome because even if they go to synagogue on the right days and say all the right prayers, they still won't possess that ineffable quality that makes someone a Jew.

Unless you try to marry a non-Jew. Then he/she had better convert. ASAP.

In any case, whether you're Jewish or any other religion under the sun, it is very difficult to remove yourself completely from the influences of your upbringing. When I decided to tell my family about being an atheist, they were very afraid that by not believing in god I was also rejecting the values and traditions instilled in me. Is it possible to separate these things from a purely religious context? Can I be culturally Jewish but religiously atheist without undermining my core beliefs? Do I even want to hold on to the cultural ties that are born out of principles to which I am vehemently opposed? Most importantly, I am trying to figure out how to live my atheist life without alienating myself from friends and family... even if they do believe in god.